We sometimes praise our children purposely to boost their self-esteem, motivate them, encourage certain behavior, or protect from them from hurtful feelings. However, if praises are not perceived as sincere and honest, children won’t feel very encouraged.

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Instead of sweeping praises, encourage children using descriptive and specific comments. The less general or generic the praise, the more likely it is factually correct and perceived as sincere.

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One of the reasons why human is the smartest animal on Earth is because we want to learn and understand cause and effect of matters. Attribution Theory says that the causes people attribute to events affect how they think of and respond to future events. When children are praised for their effort expended in doing it, they learn to attribute the success to their effort. Effort is a quality that we have the power to control or improve through hard work and practice. These children will therefore focus more on developing skills than on pursuing results.

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Controlling praise is different from positive informational feedback used to affirm a child’s progress, improvement, or task mastery. It is given with the intent to manipulate or control.

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It’s easy to fall into the habit of praising by comparison. After all, that’s how most of us were raised — we were compared in school, in sports, in extracurricular activities, in exams, at work, etc. Think about how it feels when you compare yourself with a more successful peer. When we perform well, we are excited and motivated. But when we fail, it probably depresses rather than motivates us. Similarly, comparison praising leaves children vulnerable to future setbacks. Kids who are praised by comparison don’t stop comparing when they fail. Instead, they lose motivation faster.

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There are multiple negative impacts when adults praise easy tasks or overpraise. Handing out encouraging words for tasks that are easy to complete can be perceived as insincere. Praising easy tasks implies that there has been a lower expectation of the child’s competence originally. Children who are subjected to frequent praises learn to select only those things they think will please their parents and avoid doing those things that may not. They follow a pattern known to bring praise rather than to experiment with something new. When words of encouragement are given unexpectedly, it can be very motivating. Overpraising, however, condition children to expect praises every time. It becomes an extrinsic reward that reduces, not increases, motivation. Frequent praising also leads children to believe absence of praise signifies failure. Praise is a double-edged sword. But if parents use it properly, it can be a very powerful motivating force and learning tool.